I feel fraudulent
Because even though I’m often proud of myself for dropping these weekly notes in here, and mostly managing to do it every week*, I rarely get to spend time on the creative projects I want to spend time on.
Limited capacity is a very frustrating thing, because the ideas don’t stop. I’ve heard people say that it makes you focus on the things you really want. That isn’t the case for me. Last time I counted I had 69 drafts started, and half a notebook of new ideas. Limited capacity has had ZERO impact on the amount of stories I want to create.
I’m also not jealous of those who have narrowed down, because while I hope it works for them, it’s not me and will never be me. I will always have too many ideas. It would be weird to the point of concerning if I didn’t have too many ideas.
But in slides productivity culture to tell me that I’m worthless because I’m not well enough to finish any ideas, and that’s where the fraudulent comes in as well. How can I talk about something I can’t do?
I don’t know, but this is the little piece of the creative world that I can be part of for now, so that’s what I’ll keep doing.
*I often batch write, I’ll get a bundle of ideas and write a heap, then not write for ages. That’s the only reason this place appears to have a semblance of regularity. I know, batching isn’t a groundbreaking thing, but it’s also not a choice. It’s how ideas come to me and it’s not like I have a choice.
Image description: a sea of coloured markers, top-down, so that all you can see if the cap.