Marinating and procrastinating

Thinking about new works

On the weekend I was skimming books. Reading different genres. Swapping between audiobooks and ebooks. Absorbing. It was part marinating and part procrastination. Is that unique, or is that a descriptor for a lot of writing? I can’t decide.

The reason I was doing this is that I’d had a barrage of ideas for stories recently. Novellas, most likely, but I’m not certain yet. The ideas are in the growth stage. I had an idea of what genre the stories will be, but what sub genre? Which perspective is that genre in? Do I want to write in that genre and perspective?

The freedom of this new barrage of ideas came when I considered a pen name for the new works.

I’ve generally been a bit anti pen name, not in a “how dare you use one” way, just in a “not for me” way. But the thought of a pen name unlocked these ideas so whatever version of permission I need in order to get some works done, well, if a pen name is what helps, then I will go with it.

It’s hard to work out how to finish a book, even a novella, when your energy is taken up by survival. I also find that I repress things more than I want to admit; a habit learned from a particular type of childhood. All too often in the past month I’ve read a book that has a style (or other variable) which I’ve discarded in my work because it’s not good enough.

How ridiculous I feel when others have finished and published while I’ve hated myself for that creation.

Maybe there is no difference between marinating an idea and procrastinating on an idea. Maybe one is just more comfortable to say in a land of fake productivity morals that I don’t even (logically) agree with.

There was one book praised as a literary masterpiece and it just looks like what I consider half connected ideas in my notes app.

It’s at this point I need you to understand this isn’t hate on the authors I’ve been reading and skimming, far from it. It’s the judgment I hold against myself, and more specifically, it’s the judgment I hold against my chronic illnesses for holding me back from everything I want to do and be in life.

Photo by Kiran CK on Unsplash

Image description: a plain matte black pen on a white background.